"Blue Stars and Red Lights - War Mothers"

Blue Star Mothers' Story

© 2005 Marilyn Havner Walker, MS  

Over the course of the last nine months the women featured in this column repeatedly reported that one of the most relevant aspects of dealing with the “red light” in their lives was the support and encouragement of other women.  All of these women had some life circumstances in common:  They all experienced a life changing event.  And although that life changing event resulted from different conditions – some by choice and others by imposition – the other commonality was the support they derived from friends and loved ones during a time when they needed it the most. 

This isn’t a new concept.  Mary Sullivan knew this in 1917.  With her husband and son away fighting in World War One Mary recognized a need for other women to communicate with and uphold each other.  Through her efforts the Blue Star Mothers organization was begun.  Women with husbands or sons fighting in the war met together for camaraderie and support.  They identified themselves by displaying a lone blue star sewn on a white rectangle surrounded by a frame of red.  That blue star went on to become a symbol of a loved one at war.

Many years, and many wars, later women are still united by the emotional bond of having a husband or son (and now possibly also a daughter) in the armed forces.  For Blue Star Mothers as well as all family members who have a loved one in the service life appears to go on relatively unchanged with the exception of their loved one’s absence.  For these women, however, it isn’t just that their loved one is away from home.  The absence of a child or spouse who is away at war is nothing like the absence of a child who is away at college or a husband who is away on a business trip or a hunting trip.  

Responsibilities increase dramatically when a child or spouse is deployed.  Mothers of non-married soldiers find themselves dealing with housing issues, insurance problems, paying the bills, or travel arrangements for a leave home.  One mother said she was frequently accepting delivery of objects her son purchased on e-bay while he was fending off boredom during a deployment to Iraq.  Wives who shared parenting and household duties suddenly need to function as a single parent.  While that presents challenges when their husband is away it also presents challenges when he returns.  The children need to become reacquainted with their dad.  Dad needs to learn and understand the routine.  The marital relationship dynamics experience an upheaval and both partners need to re-define their roles. 

All of those changes in responsibilities and dynamics do not even compare to the most relevant challenge when a loved one is deployed.  Madeline Bonholtzer said it best: “I worry constantly about his safety.  It’s ALWAYS on my mind!!”  It is not simply about missing her son.  Although Madeline acknowledged that she misses hearing her son’s voice and spending time with him, she mostly misses “… knowing that he is SAFE!!”  Mary Catherine Kelly echoed that sentiment:  “If I don’t know someone is coming and the door bell rings, I panic.  The same with a phone call if they ask for ‘Mr. or Mrs. Kelly’.”  Karen C. summed it up by saying, “Worry – worry – worry!”

Blue Star Mothers have a number of common bonds:

• Not wanting their child to join the service but knowing it was important to be supportive.   Many of the women in the Blue Star Mothers organization did not want their child to join the military.  However, they realized that their child’s decision was not about them as mothers.  It is about what their son or daughter wants and needs to do.  It is therefore imperative for them as mothers to set aside their own feelings and to be supportive of their child and his or her decision.  They have also realized that to not be supportive can be distracting for their loved one who needs to be able to concentrate fully and give complete attention to their task.
• Difficulty watching the news.  This isn’t necessarily because they don’t want to know what’s going on – although there are times when that is the case.  It’s because the media tends to emphasize the negative aspects of the war to the exclusion of any positive aspects.  While they are getting e-mails from their sons and daughters that are upbeat and positive the news reports tend to be very negative. 
• Problems sleeping.  Thoughts and worries about their loved one are always just under the surface.  That doesn’t make for a good night’s sleep.
• Intense pride.  Whether they wanted him to go or not, Blue Star Mothers are intensely proud of their sons and what they are doing to make the world a better place. 

According to the Blue Star Mothers in the Lancaster area it helps them to:

• Go to work.  Work provides some normality for these women.  It gives them something to focus on and keeps their mind occupied.
• Send frequent e-mails to their son or daughter.  While the internet has provided the dubious benefit to mothers of soldiers of receiving immediate news reports from the front, it also provides a link to their son or daughter who is halfway around the world. Some Blue Star Moms are also saving their e-mail correspondence to compile a “Letters From War” book. 
• Be part of the Blue Star Mothers group.  Since another common bond is the ability to cry at the drop of a hat it’s reassuring to be with others who fully comprehend the challenges and emotions of having a loved one at war.
• Be involved with church activities or hobbies.  This prevents too much time to
  sit and think.

What can others do to offer support to friends whose loved one is away at war?  The local Blue Star Mothers offered these suggestions:

• Keep quiet about any negative thoughts about the war.  When a woman’s son is risking his life every day doing something that he believes is making a difference in the world it is disheartening when others see a need to share their negative opinions.  Whatever an individual’s opinion is about the war, for that mother it isn’t about the war.  It is about the hundreds of thousands of soldiers (1,433,107 as of April 30, 2005 according to the Department of Defense web site) that are far from home fighting for a cause they believe in.  It is about her son risking his life every day.  Sharing anti-war sentiments in words or actions makes it more difficult.
• Send e-mail, cards, letters or even small care packages to their loved one.  This doesn’t have to be much.  It could be hard candy, bug spray, a book you’ve just read, a card thanking them for their service.
• Express your appreciation for what American soldiers are doing.  While expressing negative thoughts is understandably hurtful, expressing positive thoughts or appreciation is uplifting. 

To learn more about Blue Star organizations visit www.bluestarmoms.org. 

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