"Not a Cinderella Story"

Susan's Story

© 2004 – Marilyn Havner Walker, MS

When Susan set out on the road of life she had her future all mapped out, certain where her road would take her: She would become a teacher and an actress, a wife and a mother.  She wanted it all, including the white picket fence and a little dog, too. 

Susan didn’t hit too many red lights along her road.  But the one red light that she did hit came at a crucial intersection.

Shortly after turning 20 she graduated from college and began teaching.  She also began the first of what would ultimately be countless community theater productions. 

When she turned 30 she thought, “I can still get married and have a family.”

When she turned 40 she thought, “I can still get married but I guess I won’t have a child.”

And when she turned 50 she thought, “It’d be nice to marry someone who has children because then I can enjoy grandchildren.”

It wasn’t as though Susan didn’t take pleasure in her single life.  She threw herself into her work, consistently putting in extra hours and going beyond the call of duty to provide quality projects for her students.  She also built a house, enjoyed close friendships, continued to get gratification from performing in community and professional theater productions, and traveled.  In spite of her satisfaction with those aspects of her life, all of that still didn’t measure up to what she really wanted: a husband and family. 

When a friend suggested that Susan, at age 50, would never find a husband if she didn’t know what she was looking for, she wrote a “Mr. Right Profile.”  According to Susan, Mr. Right would be “honest, caring, sincere, faithful, giving and sharing … a good communicator, widowed or divorced over five years (not on the rebound) … educated or naturally bright, healthy, clean and neat in his appearance and lifestyle … willing to take out the garbage and help with yard and snow work.”  Susan didn’t mind if Mr. Right had children because, after all, she did want to be a grandmother. 

Now that she knew what she wanted, she started looking and praying for Mr. Right.

When she was 52 she gave up looking.  Susan recalls the day.  She had nursed her best friend through cancer for several months before her friend ultimately died.  With the loss of her best friend Susan felt alone.  When her prayers for Mr. Right appeared to be unanswered Susan told God, “I’m not going to ask any more.  Whatever you want, that’s what I’ll do.  The ball is in your court now.”

Two weeks later, John called.  Susan and John had met a few years earlier after a friend of Susan’s went on a blind date with John.  John wasn’t her friend’s type, but the friend knew he would be Susan’s type.  John and Susan dated once or twice at that time, but the timing wasn’t ideal.  John’s daughter, Kathleen, who was in high school, wasn’t ready for her dad to be dating.  And at that time, Susan didn’t know she would be caring for her best friend during a terminal illness.

John and Susan had their first date on Halloween.  In March he proposed.  Susan cried before saying yes.  In July they married.  Susan was 53 years old. 

Susan considered the transition to being a wife easy.  John was as close to her “Mr. Right Profile” as she realistically hoped for.  It took her a while to get used to her new surname but she loved hearing the “Mrs.” in front of her new name. 

The transition to being a stepmother to a 17-year-old girl was more complicated.  She sought information on how to make the transition but everything she read assumed the child was younger and the mother had her own children.  There just wasn’t anything for a 53-year-old new bride with no children who was stepmother to a 17-year-old.  Beyond Cinderella, Susan heard a few horror stories about what it was like to be a stepmother.  She didn’t believe them.  “I always wanted the role of ‘mother.’  I thought if I gave her all the love I could give I would be accepted.” 

But it didn’t work quite that way.  Although “deep down” Susan knew the relationship needed time to develop she still had a “fairy tale idea” of what it would be like when they became a family.  Susan quickly discovered that she and Kathleen were vastly different in their backgrounds, personalities, priorities and approaches to life.  The hardest part of the transition was recognizing that she and her stepdaughter didn’t think and act the same way.  Susan realized that before she could be loved as a stepmother she must first be respected as a friend.  She worked full days and when she went home at night she no longer had the quiet home she was accustomed to; instead she went home to not only a husband, but also to another woman who had been accustomed to being the only woman in her father’s life.  Susan was the “new kid on the block.”  

What helped Susan through this challenging time?

• Changing focus at work.  Accustomed to working extra hours every day, work was no longer her primary focus.  Susan was no longer able to put in extra hours, nor did she want to.  She enjoyed her new responsibilities at home.  She learned to work more efficiently while still maintaining the quality of her work.  She became better organized, volunteered less, made better use of her “down time,” socialized less, learned to appreciate the benefits of delegating, made better use of volunteers and classroom aides, and learned how to leave a task unfinished and go home.  With a natural tendency to be a perfectionist she also realized she didn’t need to be in control of everything, at work or at home: She learned to relax more and stress out less.

Women often think they have to “do it all” in order to “have it all.”  For Susan an important part of having what she wanted was doing less.

• Talking to people with experience.  Learning that teenagers don’t make plans, they all wait until the last minute to figure out what they’re doing; that all teenagers have a “mind of their own;” and that most (if not all) of them tend to have bedrooms that look like a tornado hit helped to normalize things for Susan.  She realized that parents of teens have many years to prepare for that role and she had only a few months before being thrown into a household with a teen.  She utilized the resources of co-workers and friends who had experience where she was lacking.  And she learned the value of looking the other way when passing Kathleen’s bedroom in a state of disarray. 

• Accepting her stepdaughter for who she is.  Susan is a “girlie girl.”  She loves feminine accessories, her home is decorated with a Victorian theme, and she enjoys “girlie” things.  Kathleen is more of a “tomboy.”  She doesn’t like to shop, and she gets excited about driving her truck and playing sports (she’s the goalie for her college field hockey team).  Susan had to learn to not just accept but to embrace their differences.  Now Kathleen will occasionally go shopping with Susan, and Susan has learned to enjoy watching Kathleen succeed at field hockey. 

Unknowingly, Susan experienced the benefits of the “Platinum Rule.”  Unlike the “Golden Rule,” the “Platinum Rule” (Tony Alessandra) says, “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”  Following the “Platinum Rule” requires that we have an understanding of other people and accept them for who they are, recognizing that the differences between us are not necessarily personal attacks but just different approaches.

Four years later Susan feels the contentment of having fulfilled a dream and meeting one of the last goals on her life list.  She is looking forward to growing old together with John, and enjoying grandchildren with him.  She is satisfied with the relationship she and Kathleen have for now.  It doesn’t look like what she wanted it to look like, or thought it would look like, but hers is not a Cinderella story.  Their relationship is far better than it might have been.   

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This article appeared in www.BusinessWomanPA.com