"Living Through Trauma"

Georgina's Story

© 2005 Marilyn Havner Walker, MS

When she heard the words, “Are you Derek’s mother?” Georgina knew her life was about to change. 

It was the hospital chaplain calling to inform Georgina that her older son had been in a very serious car accident and she needed to get to the hospital right away.  When she got there she experienced a sense of foreboding when she was greeted by the chaplain who handed her a plastic bag with Derek’s wallet and shoes.  The news was very grim: In addition to three major injuries that each individually could end her son’s life immediately, Derek also had a multitude of other serious injuries as well.  Georgina was unable to see him because he had been rushed into surgery. 

During the seven weeks of Derek’s hospital stay total strangers stopped to offer words of encouragement.  Georgina’s employer gave her significant time off.  They were extremely understanding, fully recognizing that Georgina’s place was with her son and also knowing that an employee will not be very productive in the midst of such a trauma.  Friends from as far back as Derek’s Cub Scout days came by to spend time.  His friends brought his favorite music for Derek to listen to.  Georgina kept busy by keeping a journal for him so that he would know who visited him every day, what the doctors said, and what happened each day of this ordeal.  She firmly believed that although medically he was comatose, he heard his music and everything that everyone said to him.  She believed that he felt their touch and presence.  Derek was rarely alone.  When his friends and family couldn’t be with him, the trauma nurses cared for him like he was their own son.  They became like family to Georgina.

Derek remained deep in a coma for eleven days.  As a person who likes to plan, this was very difficult for Georgina.  Initially she would ask the hospital staff what the game plan was for the next day.  However, they would not talk about Derek in the future.  They told Georgina that they would not predict anything regarding Derek further than five minutes in advance because everything could change in an instant.

In spite of that attitude on the part of the hospital staff, Georgina said that she “already knew in [her] heart that Derek would not only survive but also have a quality of life that far exceeded any of their expectations. They just didn’t know it yet.” 

Armed with that confidence and the support of her family and countless friends, acquaintances and strangers, Georgina began the long “wait and see” with her son.  As someone who likes to be in control, someone who was uncomfortable with death and trauma, someone who never knew how to act or what to say to others who were going through a tragedy, this was not easy.

Georgina said that she doesn’t consider herself a “religious” person, but she is, by her definition, definitely spiritual.  “Derek was on more prayer chains than I will ever know,” she stated.  While others prayed for his recovery, she willed him well with every ounce of energy in her body.

Seven weeks after his admission to the hospital Derek went home.  That in itself was a miracle.  The fact that he was able to return to college studies, get a job, and live a relatively “normal,” albeit significantly changed, life is even more of a miracle. 

Georgina said she has been very altered by this experience.  What has she learned from this life-changing incident?

• Accept help from others as a gift.  Prior to the accident Georgina would never have accepted help from others, even when she could have really used it.  Allowing people to bring meals, cut her grass, help with her younger son, or spend time with her was initially very difficult.  Derek’s accident has enabled her to admit when she needs help and, more importantly to her, graciously accept it.  She is also quicker to offer help since she knows what it’s like to be the one needing it.

Georgina also came to realize that in not accepting assistance from others she was denying them the pleasure and   satisfaction of having done something to make a difference.  When we experience a crisis in our lives people who care about us want to do anything they can to help us.  If we don’t let them we’re denying them that sense of satisfaction for doing even some little act of kindness.

• Giving up control is okay.  If someone had asked her before the accident when she was most comfortable she would have said, “When I am in control.”  Whether she was at work or at home, Georgina enjoyed knowing what was going to happen and having some control over it.  It was evident within minutes of her arrival at the hospital that she had absolutely no control over what was occurring.  She spent the first week in a state of shock and confusion.  Then something came about that led to her decision to fire one of Derek’s doctors.  That event enabled her to realize that she may not have control of most of what was happening, but she could be in control of not only her own behavior but also some of Derek’s care. 

Georgina now picks and chooses what she wants to control.  She no longer sweats the small stuff, and can become irritated when others do.  She steps back from those issues that are not important and allows others the freedom to take charge. 

• Don't ever give up hope, regardless of what the experts and others around you are saying.  Georgina considers this her most important lesson.  Although some others discounted it as merely a mother’s “wishful thinking,” when Derek survived his surgeries the first day and evening Georgina “knew in [her] heart” that he was going to not only survive but have an amazing recovery.  She views this as the kind of event you have to live through to truly understand.  What others viewed as “wishful thinking” was far deeper than she could put into words. 

Georgina eventually returned to work and in the years following also changed careers.  Almost four years later Derek is working full-time and going to school part-time.  He is still living at home but looks forward to the day he can move into his own apartment. Although he has a less active social life than before the accident, Derek maintains a small circle of friends and has a new girlfriend.  He does not like to draw attention to himself so he does not talk about the accident.  He wants to be accepted as he is and not use his injuries as an excuse for special treatment.

Derek is definitely aware of the changes to his mind and body. These changes affect the way he lives every day of his life.  However, he is compensating and coping with the challenges he continues to face every day.

In Georgina’s own words: “Early on in Derek’s hospitalization, I had a lot of time to think, and it was the memories I had that were comforting to me. I never consciously thought as we were going about the first 19 years of his life that we were creating a tool that would help me cope with tragedy.  I learned that at some point memories may be all you have, and that time might come without warning.  As a result, I definitely view life more preciously than before the accident.  I no longer take anything for granted and now celebrate life more fully.  I focus on the quality of my relationships with my children, family, and friends and sincerely appreciate the details.  Life can be short, and I do not want to die with any regrets, so that is how I now make decisions and live my life.”

When friends experience a similar tragedy now?  Georgina encourages them to do whatever they need to in order to get through each day.  She encourages them to keep hoping.  And sometimes she simply listens.

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This article appeared in www.BusinessWomanPA.com